Good-bye Letter to my Ex-Gaslighter
In the midst of a global pandemic, residing in Spain’s epicenter of COVID-19, far away from my family and living alone in quarantine, I received an email from my ex. A guy who happens to be a world-class gaslighter.
Do you know what that is? The absolute worst form of emotional and psychological abuse, often stemming from narcissistic personality disorder. Here are some definitions from various psychology journals:
“In the vernacular, the phrase ‘to gaslight’ refers to the act of undermining another person’s reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings…”
“an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim — having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception.”
“It’s a tactic one partner uses in an effort to exert power over, gain control over, and inflict emotional damage on the other. Gaslighting is such a malicious form of emotional abuse because it causes you to question your experiences, so it can be difficult to identify the warning signs.”
Sounds horrific, doesn’t it?
It is.
If you’re not sure, here are 8 spot-on signs that you’re most likely with a gaslighter. I’m not going to sugarcoat this one. Get the hell out now if you can. If you’re in quarantine together, this is the time to make your exit plan. I’m sorry to say sweet darling, this is a serious disorder that has very little hope of redemption.
I’m going to elaborate more on this type of abuse in the near future. With what’s currently happening in the world, we need to focus more on empowerment and less on negativity.
I also must note, my most-read article to date is why women are attracted to the alpha man. For the record, I was duped. Turns out, he’s a full-on gaslighter. Ladies, PLEASE be careful with seemingly “alpha” males.
So in the beginning of March, as the severity of the pandemic came to light in Spain, I received that email from my ex-gaslighter. I haven’t blocked him by this one means of communication (all others yes) because we have one more exchange of “I still have this of yours” after the pandemic subsides. (It’s highly important to block your ex-gaslighter by all means of communication).
He writes:
“Hey, how are you? I know we’re not talking and living our separate lives, but I wanted to see how you were and if you need anything. I think about you, not having your family here [as we’re moving into this pandemic]. If you need anything, you can count on me.”
I can count on him?? The guy responsible for the only abusive (and worst) relationship of my life? The guy who tore me down for 2.5 years?
Leave it to the gaslighter to want to always feel like a hero.
Since I won’t give the gaslighter the satisfaction of a response, I’m responding to you, dear reader. You’re giving me an outlet for my last good-bye. And hopefully I can empower you in some way, in the event you’re living your own hell with a gaslighter.
It’s key that you empower yourself after having lived with a gaslighter. Chances are, you’ve been beaten down and have had the life and your beautiful spirit sucked out of you.
But there’s always an opportunity in the pain, right? Although I hope to never see his conniving face again, I do hold the gaslighter in gratitude. Knowing him has finally enabled me to heal some deep wounds that I wasn’t able to heal on my own, or with my previous, kind and wonderful partners.
I’ve had to sleep with the darkness in order to completely break free into my light.
So, my response:
“I don’t need to count on you. Because I count on myself.
I count on myself for diving into those childhood wounds and facing them head-on. You have no idea about the trauma I’ve endured, your head would explode. That sweet little girl, carrying the weight of all that pain and fear.
I count on myself because amidst that trauma, I’m here. With the life I’ve created. I count on my strength and resilience to survive this life, and for always having walked through it valiantly.
I count on myself for the experiences I’ve lived. For being brave. For taking risks. For creating LOVE. For building friendships with people I truly love and who truly love me. Love for all of the incredible men (before you) with whom I shared a life. And now, relishing in all of the love I have for MYSELF.
I count on myself for always having carried this love in my heart, despite coming from an abusive past. My beautiful heart and all that it feels for the world, for humanity, for the planet. The love I’ve always had for wanting to make the world a better place…
I count on myself for knowing my WORTH. Your darkness has always blinded you to it. But that’s simply because you were never worthy of my love.
I count on myself for my sensuality. All of those times you made comments that I wasn’t curvy enough. Too thin. For just “not turning you on” because I don’t look like a porn star. Your lack of interest made me feel so unsexy and ashamed of my body. All because of your warped sex education and addiction.
I count on myself for being a survivor.
You don’t know the meaning of SURVIVOR. You think you do. You want to believe you’re a survivor. Because it makes you feel more “manly.”
But you’re not.
You lie. You cheat. You manipulate.
You’re a gaslighter.
You’re no survivor.
Me, yes.
So, don’t you worry. I don’t need to count on you for anything.
I’ve got this.
I’m good.”
Don’t let anyone ever bring you down, sweet darling, especially not a gaslighter.
Take time to rediscover your beauty and all you have to offer. Then, unapologetically share it with those who will truly love you in return.
